Where's the fun?

I've been in search of it for a while now. Kitten Girl passed in May. May 15th, to be exact. I carried her to her final rest, and it was a horrifying, traumatic experience. A long goodbye that didn't last nearly long enough.

She was 18.5 years old. To me, she will always and forever be my baby. I continue to grieve, and that grief complicated the holidays. To say that is an understatement, actually. The grief and longing really cleaned my clock.

There is a new cat, Miss Blue (aka Miss Bluebell Meadows). She's four, glamorous looking, long white hair, dark grey patches, gold eyes. She wants to be a part of my life, though she nearly escaped the car on the way home from the shelter in August. I'd post a photo here, but I can't do that, while I'm blogging about the memory of Kitten Girl. The memories and the loss, which keeps on happening over and over again.

This is a valley of the lost, between losing a deeply beloved and battling guilt over loving the new one. The new one who needs me as much as Kitten Girl ever did. I act as though everything is fine, that the color hasn't drained from my world, but there are days when I think I can't endure another minute. Having major depression helps none of this, of course. But there is no changing that lot, just living with it, living around it, living through it.

Sigh. I miss you, baby. Your Mummy misses you and always will.

But I lived for you once (because I couldn't desert you), and I don't know that I'd end up where you are now, if I chose not to live. Not sure about heaven or hell, and the terrifying possibility that maybe all there is left of our time together is your lock of fur, your ashes, your funny paw print in clay. And the smell of you in my mind. Your skin/fur smell. I breathed it so deeply, so often. Those things, and all the memories.

I knew it would be hard. I just didn't think the really bad feelings, the ones that cut me off at the knees, would come back around with such ferocity at Christmas. I didn't think it would be so powerful, this absence of you. When does the fun begin again? I'm awfully tired of this ride, but afraid to leave it, because if I'm not suffering, am I forgetting you?

Questions without answers.

Yet.

p.s. There is no hidden message here. I plan to stick around. Not in danger of disappearing. If nothing else, I have a cat who needs me! :)